So, I have this thing with worship music. I have noticed
that there are some songs I can’t sing without lying a little bit. I have no
problem with songs about God, those are pretty truthful. Songs like Sing Hallelujah by Jennifer Knapp is great, hard to complain about those lyrics.
David Crowder Band’s “…Never-ending…”, also great. Gungor’s “Beautiful Things” and "The Earth is Yours" are others. These are songs about God, not about me, and that is how I like it.
I run into trouble when the song has those pesky first
person personal pronouns in it. You know “I, me, we,”… those words. There are a
couple, but one in particular has been haunting me recently:
“So I’ll Stand” - I am usually already standing at this
point. If not, the Front Row Standers (those people who sit in the front row
and stand up no matter what, forcing everyone else to stand up so we don’t have
sit there looking at someone’s butt) will force me into standing. So that line
is OK.
“In awe of the One who
gave it all” – I am also OK with this line. It is hard not to be in awe of
the Gospel and the God who put it together.
It is that middle line that gets me. I can’t sing this line
without lying just a little bit. If I sang it honestly it would be more like “I’ll stand with hands jammed hard into my
pockets and heart carefully held to prevent damage and breaking…”.
Maybe I should just mumble under my breath the true version
of the song and then move my lips like I am really singing out loud. I can
imagine it would look like a Chinese kung-fu movie dubbed into English.
I realize that it is pride that keeps me from making the
words I am singing match the life I am living. I couldn’t sing out loud what I am really thinking without feeling really awkward, and getting a few dirty looks. Imagine what it would sound like if I were singing "I'll stand with my hands in my pockets and heart locked away, la, la, la, la" while everyone else was singing the right lyrics.
It’s not so much the hand raising, God gave us pockets in
our pants for a reason and in my mind that reason is so you have somewhere to
put your hands when you are singing at church. It is not the physical act of
raising my hands at issue, it is the thought that I don’t want to be noticed, I
don’t want to be embarrassed, I don’t want to be embarrassing.
It absolutely about the heart. There is pride in my heart that
keeps me from making the life I am living match the words I am singing. So
instead of changing my life to match the words, I sing a little lie, I keep my
heart firmly and safely tucked away, my hands stuck in my pockets.
I also realize this: The source of my pride is fear: fear of
the unknown, fear of pain and suffering, fear of change, fear of challenge, fear
of looking silly, fear of risk, fear of being uncomfortable, fear of being
asked to do more than I think I can, fear of being known, fear of transparency.
Pride comes from fear. Pride is the cowardice of the man who refuses to be
honest with himself …and his Maker.
To be continued....
